South Park Self

take it out back and shoot it

2017 was a bitch. Seriously, on both the global and the personal front it was an unmitigated clusterfuck. It has had unpleasant repercussions for me personally because all I can see around me is failing systems, and I am a creature of order whose sense of identity and calm is derived from instrumental participation in harmonious and effective systems, and none of the systems - educational, political, personal - in which I am involved are at present either harmonious or effective in any way at all. It's very eroding to the soul.

In the light of the above, the traditional annual scorecard looks something like this:

Things achieved by me: Enough managerial togetherness to maintain a functional unit within the greater breakdown of my faculty. Realisation that I need a new job, and determination to acquire same. Sufficient courage to actually communicate this, in a definite fashion, to select superiors and colleagues.

Things not achieved by me: Sufficient negotiation of the complete identity-crisis meltdown occasioned by realising I need a new job (and, in fact, the ongoing energy drain of my current one) to actually initiate the job search process in more than a vague and fluffy sort of way. This is a work in progress.

Losses: Faith in the SA university system, particularly that of my Cherished Institution. Faith in the ability of decency and moral evolution to overcome self-interest. Tracy and family, who have fled to the Netherlands in well-executed and pro-active realisation of the above in the local context. (Robert Mugabe is not a loss. His departure is a gain whether or not he's being replaced by actual Darth Vader, which I rather regretfully think he might be.)

Things discovered by me in 2017: Dreamwidth. Portal, Andromeda, Divinity. Jyn Erso, as in my small ginger-and-white kitten. Air B'n'B, Franschoek, Colmant champagne. Workplace political machination in sheer self-defence, I've never shopped someone to a higher authority before, it was weird. Slow release magnesium as a remedy for swollen ankles. The Invisible Library, and also K.J. Charles's Magpie Lord series. FFS. Teen Wolf and associated fanfic. Cooking with bourbon. Panic attacks.

Resolutions for 2017: GET A FUCKING NEW FUCKING JOB RIGHT FUCKING NOW! I feel that this is an integral first step in acquiring the necessary mental and emotional energy to start tackling my general sense of existential despair.

Happy New Year to all, if such does not sound irredeemably sarky after all the above. I hope we all manage to achieve something like hope and forward momentum in the teeth of the general breakdown.

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